Ready to Lose
by queenofpassiveaggressiva
Summary: Derek left for D.C. after a fight with Meredith. Meredith, left alone in Seattle, remembers all the tragedy that has happened in her life. But will Meredith be prepared to lose it all again when tragedy comes knocking at her door? ON SHORT HIATUS
1. Prologue

Ready to Lose Prologue

**Author's Note: Well this is my first fanfiction for Grey's Anatomy and of ! I just wanted to introduce you to the story first. This is a snippet (the most important one!). It might seem a little OOC for both of them, but people do and say bad things under this kind of pressure. Also, this is a multi-chapter story. All of the chapters are going to be named after a song (in a true Grey's Anatomy fashion:). Most of the time, I'll put a YouTube link for the song right here so you can listen to it while you read. I can't think of anything else to say now, so I'll be working on chapter one tonight!**

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><p>"<em>Why didn't you move to D.C. weeks ago?" Meredith demanded.<em>

"_Because I picked you and the kids! Don't you remember 'Pick me, choose me, love me'?" Derek retorted._

_Meredith cringed at the thought of Derek and her in that OR scrub room so many years ago, hoping he would choose her over Addison. But he didn't._

"_But you didn't! You chose Addison over me! The wife you couldn't love or forgive. You hurt me. I tried to get over it! And I did. I told you, that you were going to resent the kids and me when you said that you would take a step back from surgery and focus on your research. Spend time with the kids? Do you know how many surgeries I have missed and how many times I have heard 'Where's Daddy?' from Zola these past few months? The one time I had no idea where our children were? But I still did it. I had my family and I had a career. With less help from you!"_

_Derek pinched the bridge of his nose. "It is so not my fault that the President of the United States wants __**me **__to help with the brain mapping project! And I'm not the one-"_

"_Not the one what? Tearing this family apart? Oh my God!" Meredith crossed her arms, shooting bullets with her eyes at her husband. _

_Derek stayed silent._

"_Take this year and make it count-" Meredith started to mimic what Derek had said months before._

"_Stop it! Zola is more mature than you!"_

"_Oh really? You are talking? You change your mind like I change Bailey's underwear! One minute you are going to D.C., the next minute you aren't! One minute, you are promising me a year to help me boost my career, the next minute, you are advancing your career and I'm left doing your responsibilities!"_

"_You said that you wanted to stay in Seattle because you grew up here, you built your family here, that the hospital we rebuilt is here! So I decided to stay here with you and the kids. But you know your family includes Maggie, and she still calls you 'Doctor Grey'. You say you hate her, but you hated Lexie too!" _

"_Don't you __**dare**__ say I ever hated Lexie! I said I hated the idea of her, because she got to grow up with a father, and I didn't! I had no mom or dad going to my events and graduations! She had both! She was the person no girl ever wanted to meet or get to know!" Meredith's voice cracked when she said Lexie._

"_Oh please. When she was an intern do you know how many times I heard you talking to Cristina about her and how you hate her?" Derek replied._

"_Get out! Please just get out!" Meredith shrieked, trying to muffle a sob. Meredith never had hated her, just the idea of a little girl having her father that was never there for her._

_Derek's face softened at the realization at what he had just said. He couldn't comfort her, and it killed him, because he's the reason she needed to be comforted.  
><em>

_But he ran out of the house and ran into the woods. He ran as fast as he can and for as long as he could go._

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><p><em>And she curled up on the bed and the tears streamed down her face and they would not stop. Bile rose in her throat. <em>

_Lexie was __**dead.**_

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><p><em>Derek sat on the edge of a log and tried to catch his breath. He couldn't believe he did that. <em>

_**He did resent Meredith.**_

"_Damnit!" He yelled into the darkness. He picked up a rock and threw it into the woods surrounding him._

_He had to get out of here. He had to go to D.C. He knew his marriage and his relationships with his friends and coworkers would crumble if he didn't leave._

_It's not like he wanted to go. He didn't want his children to think he died or he left them. It's not like he wanted to hurt Meredith even more._

_He promised to himself that he would call or FaceTime his family every night. He couldn't just pack his stuff and leave, and never look back, until the time came to come back after the job was finished. He promised himself he would come out here every other weekend and spend it with his family. _

_Before he would leave, he would have to make some meals and go grocery shopping. If he let Meredith cook all the time, they'd probably be eating cereal all the time. But he could probably leave some simple recipes that they usually had._

_He is doing what's best for everyone… right?_

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><p><em>Meredith couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. She couldn't speak. <em>

_She, of course, couldn't believe her husband brought up her sister in that conversation. Anytime someone brought up Lexie, or Mark, or planes, she couldn't help but remember Lexie pinned under the plane._

_Or Arizona's piercing screams that still disturbed her dreams at night._

_Or Mark, who just kept on trying to die._

_Or the days that they were missing, where they had to dig bugs out of Arizona's leg, and protect Lexie's __**body**__ from animals, and drink their own urine._

_Meredith couldn't handle imagining it again._

_She always appeared strong. In front of everyone else, at least. The truth? The plane crash hurt her._

_In a way Derek keeps on hurting her. _

_Meredith slipped under the covers. She quietly cried._

_About Derek. About the plane. About Lexie. _

_Every time a fight like this happened, it felt like a punch in the stomach. They were adding up and up, and soon, she'll have internal bleeding from so many punches._

_Some wounds never heal. _

_Something's just can't fixed._

**AN- So what did you think? I'll probably be using some quotes from the show (we all know where that last sentence was from...) so just be warned! Please review! Also, if there is any spelling/grammatical error, I am so so sorry for my horrible proofreading skills...**


	2. Breathe

**Author's Note: Okay so I started writing this the night I posted the prologue, and came up with the ideas for this chapter around two weeks ago, so nothing in this story is based on of 11x08. Well, drum roll please. This chapter (and the next) are named after _Breathe (2 AM)_ ****by Anna Nalick. This chapter is also dedicated to my person, Catilina. I bounced most of the ideas that led to this story off of her and she has tolerated my rants about everything. Also, _Breathe (2 AM) _is 'our song'. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it!**

**link to song- watch?v=jHEj4cRhm3E  
><strong>

**link to lyrics- . **

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><p>Today.<p>

"_It is so not my fault that the President of the United States wants __**me **__to help with the brain mapping project! And I'm not the one-"_

"_Not the one what? Tearing this family apart? Oh my God!"_

It had happened so fast.

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><p><em>Meredith entered her house. She felt like a stranger. It was around 2 in the morning. She went up to the front door and turned the door knob slowly. She tiptoed across the first floor over to the stairs. Bailey's bedroom door was still open, so she slid in. Bailey was sleeping peacefully, snoring, just like her. <em>

_A cold shiver went down her spine at her realization._

_Bailey slept just like he did._

_On his stomach, face turned to the right, one hand by his side, the other over his head._

_She choked on her air. Bailey's eyes snapped right open, and __**his**__ bright blue eyes stared right at her. _

The first day without him.

_Bailey went back to sleep, once he realized that it was only his mother. Meredith slipped back out of her son's room. She went into her own bedroom._

_The bed was still perfectly made._

'_He probably is sleeping in the second guest room or something,' she thought._

_Meredith looked up to their post-it note vows. After Derek wrote them a lifetime ago, he had it framed and hung it on the wall above their bed in her old house, and he hung it back up it in their new house._

_Something didn't look right, however. She walked up closer to it._

_The post it had fallen in the little box._

He had caught a flight early this morning.

It had been two days since their fight.

_Meredith watched from the hallway. Her husband was packing his stuff in silence._

_To outsiders, it looks like he is leaving her, running away._

_He isn't, but it feels like he is, running away._

_It's almost as if they didn't vow to each other 'no running'._

_Meredith sees him pick something up. It's a candle from the house of candles she built. She sees the gears turning in his head, debating whether he should bring the candle with him. He put the candle back to the back of his drawer, shaking his head. He slams the drawer shut._

_She never knew he kept one._

Zola and Bailey were already up, because Derek had said goodbye to them.

Meredith was already dressed, her hair in a pony tail, minimal make up on. Mostly just to cover the dark bags under her eyes.

She grabbed the box of cereal from the cabinet, four spoons, and four bowls, and the milk out of the refrigerator. She poured milk and cereal in all of them. She set two bowls out on the counter, where Zola and Bailey usually ate. She quickly gulped down her own cereal, and placed the other to the side, for Amelia to eat. It's day one without _him_ and they are already running late. She started up the coffee.

"Zozo are you ready yet?" Meredith called, as she crossed over to where her son was playing in his play pin. She had already put him in a cute little blue hat with a blue shirt and white pants.

Zola came running down the stairs at full speed, Amelia trudging along behind her.

"Yeah. Mommy look at what Amelia picked out for me!" Zola says, with way too much enthusiasm, as it is 6:40 in the morning, and she's already been up for almost three hours.

Meredith turns around. She sees her little girl in a bright pink shirt and purple leggings. Her hair is in a braid that she had never seen before.

"Amelia, did you do that?" Meredith asks, shocked. When would've Amelia had the time to learn that?

"It's the least I can do," Amelia said. Meredith understood what Amelia was referring to. It was the least she could do now that _he _left.

"I spent an hour last night on YouTube trying to find something cool to do for Zola, and I found this," Amelia added, smiling tiredly.

'At least one Shepherd is nice,' Meredith thought.

"Hey Mer you doing okay?" Alex asked, in a soft voice. He knew that Derek had left that morning

"_What did I do?" I whispered over and over._

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Meredith replied. Alex gave her a sad look, because he knew she was just trying to be strong for Zola and Bailey.

"Come on, Momma! I want to go play with Sofia!" Zola tugged on her mother's sleeve.

_I felt a huge jolt, and I was thrown backward. The earth started raining down on me. Dylan had turned into pink mist._

_I was covered in his blood._

"How's it going Grey?" Miranda called out as Meredith entered the elevator with her two children.

"Good."

_I watched as Gary Clark shot him. The shot rang in my ears. I screamed and tried to run for him, to him. But someone's arms were holding me back and I couldn't_ _reach him. Everything was in slow motion. In black and white. Without sound._

_Everything was muted._

"Good morning Doctor Grey!" Jo said as Meredith walked briskly to the attending's lounge.

Meredith frowned. Everyone was going to be tiptoeing around her. Like she was a china doll.

News flash: she was perfectly fine.

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><p>"<em>Are you okay?" April asked.<em>

"_Yeah. Um, I'm okay." I doubled over again in pain._

"_Are you sure? Oh, my God! Did you get shot?" She demanded._

_I close my eyes. _

"_No, I didn't get shot, okay? I'm—I'm o- I'm okay." It's almost as if I am reassuring myself._

_It's failing._

"_But you could be in shock and not know it. Here, let me feel you for—"_

"_I'm… I'm okay," I say in between quick breaths._

"_But… there's blood spreading down your thighs…"_

_My stomach cramps again. The warm fluid spreading faster down my thighs._

_Owen and April have that look on their , They know what's happening to me._

_I'm having a miscarriage._

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><p>Meredith sighs. Everyone is asking if she's okay, but they don't know how strong she is and how many walls she has built up. So she appears rude. She is 'medusa'.<p>

_He _left. So what? He never really was here, anyway.

Always between Seattle and D.C. And when he was in Seattle, he was always at the hospital. Never home with her. Never home with the kids.

He was choosing his career over her. He would never choose his career over his entire family, because who would do that? Only people like Ellis would, and _he _is no Ellis.

But he would never choose her. Maybe last year, or the year before. But now?

Who would choose her?

**AN- How was that for a first real chapter? I feel the flashbacks reflect how Meredith is feeling. And did anyone listen to the song? If you remember it, Lexie sang it in the musical episode and it played in As We Know It (2.17). Did anyone notice Meredith couldn't say Derek or Derek's name wasn't even said? It was always _he, _or _him. _Anyway, review!**

**Another AN- I was going to post this before the episode aired, but I couldn't because it had already started playing and I didn't want to be distracted and then Obama comes on and interrupts for almost 20 minutes (so I couldn't live tweet) so now I am mad and I am sorry I didn't post this 3 hours ago. Enogh said, sorry if there are any errors, and please review!**


	3. 2 AM

**AN- This is also named after Anna Nalick's _Breathe (2 AM) _and this is also dedicated to my person, Catilina. I planned this chapter with chapter one. One event that happens is similar to some scenes in 11x07 and 11x08. I swear, it is complete coincidence! And I am sorry in advance if you are a little disappointed with this chapter, I just need to get the ball rolling! Probably starting with the next chapter, the chapters will be 2000+ words. **

**Link to the song: watch?v=jHEj4cRhm3E**

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><p>The doorbell rang. Meredith whipped her head around to face the front door.<p>

Who would be here, at night, in the middle of the woods?

"Zola, don't get the door," Meredith whispered to her little girl. They were cleaning up their plates from dinner.

But the little girl ignored her mother and ran straight to the front door.

"Zola! Come back here!" Meredith whisper-screamed, running to catch up to her.

"Uncle Alex!" Zola screamed.

_Oh god, _she thought, _he better not be checking up on her, like everyone has been all day long._

He came in through the doorway, holding two brown bags in his hand. Beside him, were Callie and Maggie.

"Thought you and Amelia might need some drinking buddies," Callie said, smiling.

"Okay, I just got the kids to bed, so we can't be too loud," Meredith said, 15 minutes later.

Alex already had opened the wine and poured everyone a glass. They were all hanging out on the couch, drinking.

"Wait, so you guys have known each other, for what, seven years? And this is the first time you all have drank together?" Maggie asked.

"Well, I just moved here so don't ask me," Amelia said, drinking a glass of water instead of wine.

"Yeah, pretty much," Alex replied.

"Well, Callie and Izzie hated each other when Callie was married to George, and I hung out with Cristina more," Meredith added.

"The only reason I hated Izzie is because she slept with my husband!" Callie said, laughing at the thought. It seemed like that happened decades ago.

"Wait, who's Izzie?" Maggie and Amelia asked at the same time.

"My ex-wife," Alex replied.

"Dude, you were married?" Amelia laughed loudly. Alex and marriage didn't seem to mix well to her.

"Yeah. The only reason she married me was because she was dying of cancer at the time. And then she went into remission. And then, when she went back to work, shewas fired. Not because she had cancer, it was because she made some mistake with a patient's care, and that was around the time the Chief had to fire people because of the merger."

"Yikes," Maggie replied.

"We kind of hung out together. You guys were friends with Lexie, I was friends with Mark, and we all sometimes talked," Callie added, andshe hiccupped afterwards. She was on her way to be full-out drunk.

"Who's Mark and Lexie?" Maggie asked this time. Everyone was silent. Amelia knew about Lexie from Derek, and obviously was friends with Mark, considering she saw him her entire childhood.

Everyone turned to Meredith. They didn't want to say anything about Lexie unless Meredith said it was okay.

"Lexie is- was – my sister. Half-sister, to be correct. Ellis left my dad, Thatcher, when I was 5. Thatcher remarried, and had Lexie and another little girl. Mark was Derek and Callie's best friend. Lexie, Mark, Arizona, Derek, Cristina, and I were on a plane crash almost two years ago now. Lexie died on the scene, because she was pinned under part of the plane. Mark died a little over a month later from complications," Meredith said, emotion clear in her voice.

"I'm so sorry. For your loss, and for asking that…" Maggie said, trailing at the end.

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><p><em>I'm staring at the sky.<em>

_Shouldn't I be in a plane?_

"_You have to get up!" I faintly heard Cristina yelling at me._

_Everything was out of focus._

"It's fine. So how is your veteran project going, Callie?" Meredith asked, smoothly changing the subject.

_There was a banging noise._

"_There," Arizona said, between struggled breaths. She pointed over to the woods._

'_Lexie,' I thought. I ran._

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><p>They talked for another hour and a half before Meredith heard a noise come from behind her.<p>

It was Zola, of course.

"Momma?" Zola asked in a tired tone.

"Yeah, Zozo?" Meredith said as she got up and crouched by her little girl.

"Where's Daddy? He didn't say goodnight to me. I can't sleep without him saying goodnight to me."

No one said a word. It was like time had frozen. That this moment, of all possible moments, is stuck.

The carousel had stopped turning.

And then in a split second, it was like someone had hit the pause button again on the remote.

And then the train hit.

"What did I tell you sweetie?" Meredith's voice cracked.

"That Daddy will be back soon."

"Yes, he will. But he's not here yet, so let's get you back up to bed," Meredith sounded as if she had aged ten years.

"Okay, Momma," Zola said, as she held her hand up to her Momma.

And then someone hit pause again.

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><p>"<em>She wasn't covering for you, what the hell are you doing?"<em>

"_I'm protecting your wife, what are you doing?"_

"_This is wrong, and you know it."_

"_What are you trying to do to her? She was trying to save Adele. She was trying to save_me_. At what point are you going to stop punishing her for that?"_

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><p>(This is Meredith's point of view okay)<p>

I could hear Zola's light footsteps on the stairs behind me, but I decided not to turn around. No one else noticed. Maybe she wanted to scare us. She had a tendency of being a little jokester.

But I didn't hear here try to hide her giggles. I could just feel that she was upset.

"Momma?" I whip my head around.

I see my little girl, in her pajamas. She is clearly upset.

"Yeah, Zozo?" I say, concerned. I get up immediately and crouch down beside her.

"Where's Daddy? He didn't say goodnight to me. I can't sleep without him saying goodnight to me."

My heart that was racing of concern for her stopped right in my chest.

I couldn't breathe.

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><p>"<em>I am staying here," I said, clearly to him.<em>

_Of course he didn't get it. Boys never do._

_I never really wanted to move to DC, but I was going to do it, for my husband. I figured I had put him through enough hell and that I should give my life here in Seattle up for him._

"_**You are a gifted surgeon with an extraordinary mind. Don't let what he wants eclipse what you need. He's very Dreamy, but he's not the sun. You are."**_

_But then Cristina started saying things, and I started thinking, and then I realized, I shouldn't move if I don't want to. I get a say in things. This relationship is not going to turn into Ellis and Thatcher's._

_But it's already starting to._

_What Cristina said was echoing in my mind all day long, because I knew she was giving me advice on something, but I couldn't pinpoint what. _

_And then the puzzle pieces fit together._

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><p>"Come on Zo, let's get you back up to bed," I said quietly.<p>

"No! Where is daddy?" She yelled, stomping her feet. I could hear Bailey crying upstairs.

"Daddy will be back soon. He is on a business trip," I spoke softly in her ear before picking her up. I had to go calm Bailey down.

"No! Put me down!" Zola shrieked, thrashing around in her mother's arms.

My heart broke in two.

I continued to carry her all the way upstairs. She was still squirming.

I entered Bailey's room, Zola still in my arms.

I put her down in the rocker.

"Zola, can you stay put until I get your brother to bed?" I asked her. She nodded.

"Good girl," I replied, as I kissed her forehead.

I walked over to Bailey's crib. His face was pressed up against the bars. He had stopped crying.

"Hey little man," I said as I picked him up. I groaned. He was getting heavier.

"You are going to go back to sleep, okay?" I said to him, smiling.

I forced it, because who smiles when their world is burning into ash?

Bailey yawned in response and closed his eyes. I put him back in his crib. He sprawled out on his stomach, face turned to the right, one arm by his side, the other over his head.

A tear fell down my face. I quickly wiped it away.

I turn around and pick up Zola.

"Come on, let's get you back to bed," I mumble.

Day one without _him_- total disaster.

It better not be this bad tomorrow, or I swear, these two years are going to be long.

**AN- So I took it into my own hands for Mark and Lexie to be acknowledged. Sorry for any spelling/grammatical/typing errors. If something doesn't make sense, say something!**

**Please review! **


	4. Wonderful Unknown

**I am so sorry if you saw that I just posted this update! I had a bad feeling that I posted the wrong chapter, and as it turns out, I posted the unedited version of this chapter! Well anyway, this chapter is named after Ingrid Michaelson's _Wonderful Unknown. _It's a beautiful song! In this chapter I wanted to include some Amelia sass, so the main focus of this chapter is Meredith/Amelia. I wrote Amelia as close to her Private Practice self (I hope those who watched it agree, and if you didn't, no worries!). **

**Link to song: watch?v=Gir5ZvpGws8**

**Link to lyrics: . **

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><p>Day 14.<p>

I wake up. Well, I don't necessarily wake up, because you can't wake up if you didn't sleep in the first place. I haven't slept much in two weeks.

I look at the alarm. Five minutes before it's set to ring. I turn it off. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed. I stand up, but a wave of nausea sets over me. I bolt over to the bathroom and I empty my stomach into the bowl.

I do that five more times.

I wipe my mouth with my arm and I look in the mirror and I gasp.

There are huge dark bags under my eyes and I am as white as a sheet.

"Come on Meredith! We are going to be late..." Amelia starts are she sticks her head in the bathroom doorway.

"Oh my god!" Amelia shrieks, she tries to make me sit down, the doctor in her showing.

I swat away her hands. "I'm… I'm okay," I manage to mumble out between heavy breaths. I fight the urge to vomit again.

"_But… there's blood spreading down your thighs…"_

_My stomach cramps again. The warm fluid spreading faster down my thighs._

"No, Meredith, you definitely are not. When I get to the hospital I'll tell Owen you're sick. Do you want me take Zola and Bailey to daycare to give you some time to rest? I'll get them ready, too."

"That would be…" Before I can finish, I run to the toilet and empty the rest of my stomach into the bowl.

"… I'd take that as a yes," Amelia says quickly and she slips out.

I guess the stress of being a full- time surgeon and mother has caught up with me.

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><p><em>Day 2<em>

"_Where is daddy?" Zola complained to Meredith. She was almost four years old._

_Almost the age her own father had been pushed out of her life by her mother. Almost the age her own father gave up on her._

_And I felt just like my mother, because I had no answer for her._

I collapse on the bathroom floor. I can't move. My head and body ache and the floor is so nice and cold.

I close my eyes.

_Day 3_

"_Dada?" Bailey asks me. My heart sinks into my chest. I have no answer for him._

"_No dada. He's away now. But we can Skype him," I say, trying to cheer him up._

_It doesn't work, because what 18-month old knows what Skype is?_

"_Yeah!" Zola shouts beside me._

_I set up the computer and point the webcam towards them. I step out of the picture and turn away. I can't look at him. _

"_Mama! It's not working!" Zola starts shouting after a few seconds._

_He didn't answer the call._

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><p>The only thing that wakes me is my phone buzzing like crazy.<p>

I try to stand up, but I know the inevitable: I will fall. I drag myself into my bedroom.

I grasp for my phone, the edges of my vision turning black. My phone falls to the ground. I fumble for it.

It's only been thirty minutes.

I check the caller I.D.

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><p><em>Day 8<em>

"_When's Daddy coming home?" Zola asks eagerly, again._

_Every morning starts out the same._

_Unanswered questions. _

"_I don't know, Zozo," Meredith responds tiredly._

"_Why?" _

_Meredith has no answer. Like usual._

"_Your daddy is helping other people, some of them are even your age," Amelia offers._

"_Woah!"_

_It's good enough for her and she's silent for the rest of the car ride to the hospital._

_Day 12_

_He skyped the kids a total of 6 times over the past 12 days. _

_He claims that he is super busy all the time. _

_I just set up the computer, leave the room as fast as I can, and let the kids talk to him. I can't look at him. Or hear his voice._

It's Amelia.

Of course.

"You feeling better?" She asks immediately.

"Yeah," I manage to say.

"Meredith, you sound like crap. You aren't feeling better," Amelia replied. Leave it to Amelia to speak the truth.

"No."

"Okay, I have to go drop the kids off at daycare, I'm going to check up on you later, okay?"

"Okay," I say and hang up.

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><p><strong>Amelia's Point of View<strong>

"Doctor Shepherd!" I hear someone call from the other side of the hallway.

I turn around. It's Owen.

"Yes, Doctor Hunt?" I say, as I walk towards him.

"Do you know why Doctor Grey hasn't signed in yet? She's an hour late for her shift."

"Crap!" I shriek.

Owen looks at me like I've lost my mind. That's how most people look at me now that they know I'm a junkie.

"I forgot to tell you. Meredith's sick."

"Then why didn't she call in?"

"She's really sick. When I went to tell her we were going to be late, she was super pale. And I mean paler than a sheet of copy paper. And she was vomiting, like_a lot. _She looked like she was about to pass out. She still wanted to go to work, I have no idea why- if I were her, I'd be glad that I finally have a day off- but I made her stay home,"

He nodded, making a slightly disgusted face, and walked away. I shrug.

I turn back around and walk over to my office.

I smile.

_**Amelia Shepherd, M.D.,F.A.C.S.**_

_**Head of Neurosurgery **_

I never thought that I would ever be good enough to become a surgeon. Or even a neurosurgeon, which is arguably one of the riskiest types of surgery. _Or _even the Head of neurosurgery at a hospital.

But I did become the Head of Neurosurgery at one of the top hospitals in the country.

But the only reason I became the Head is because my better-at-everything brother left.

Always second best. Or always the failure.

But not anymore. I wasn't the one who left their wife and two kids for a job. Now that's failure.

Except I did leave my fiance…

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><p>Amelia had called me all day to check up on me. The vomiting episode from this morning had ended an hour after the fact.<p>

Now I just feel like crap.

It was around 3:00 now, and Amelia should be calling me soon, so when I hear the phone ring, I just pick it up.

I don't check the caller I.D.

Huge mistake.

"I'm fine Amelia! You don't have to call anymore!"

"What? What's wrong? Meredith, speak!" A familiar voice shrieked into the phone, worry clear in their voice. I sighed.

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry for the bad update, everything is going to be more fast-paced starting with the next chapter! Please leave reviews!<strong>


	5. Wherever This Goes

**I am so very sorry for the long wait! This was a pretty difficult chapter to write, even though it isn't the chapter I have been dying to write (a couple of chapters left!). I kept on writing, and rewriting, and rewriting this chapter, adding somethings I thought of on the spot. I even took out a decent sized part (oops!). I just want to warn you, there are two characters in this. They are _not _main characters in this, but one will play a vital role soon (I'm not exactly sure how many chapters, considering my plans for this fanfic keep changing). The other, however, probably will appear in a chapter down the road (probably ten or so). Also, for the purpose of this story, small details that were established on the show may change (in this chapter, where Alex lived in season two changed). And, this chapter switches between first and third person, which I apologize for in advance._  
><em>**

**This chapter is named after Wherever This Goes by The Fray (please look this song up its phenomenal!)**

**I realized I have forgotten to put a disclaimer on these! Well, I don't own Grey's Anatomy so I'll just go back to bed and cry all day.**

**Update: I was intent on posting this yesterday, but of course my computer didn't save the changes I had made to the last section and my closing author's note. I am so sorry!**

"I'm fine, Amelia! You don't have to call anymore!" I say, before the person gets a chance to speak.

"What? What's wrong? Meredith, speak!" Cristina shrieks into the phone. She's obviously worried about me.

I sigh. This. Can. Not. Be. Happening. To. Me.

I haven't talked to Cristina since before he left. We had both been super busy, and with the time difference, the only thing we could do is text each other. But how do you tell your person that your husband actually moved away and that it's killing you over text messages?

"It's nothing. I didn't feel well this morning, and she has been calling me _all_ day long to make sure I'm okay. She kept on saying that I looked like complete crap and she wanted to make sure she didn't arrive home to my dead body," I reply quickly.

I can almost see Cristina's face from here. She doesn't believe me. She knows I'm keeping something from her.

"Isn't that McDreamy's job?"

"I… Uhm… We aren't exactly talking right now…"

"Really? He should still hover, even if he is being an ass again. Don't you remember when you got appendicitis our intern year? He was all over you. And you guys were not in the best of places then. I mean, you're his wife. He has to hover over you," Cristina pointed out.

She continued, "Anyway, I called you because I finally had a free moment. I just wanted to see how well the hospital is surviving without me. How's the new cardio person? What's her name…? Maddie?"

"Maggie. She's great. But not as great as you," I reply. Another thing you can't say over text message: I have another half-sister.

"Flattery does nothing with me. Only hardcore cardio surgeries are acceptable," Cristina responds smoothly.

"I've missed your sassiness," I smile. I really have.

I haven't smiled in ages, unless you count the forced ones for your friends and family.

"But seriously, what is wrong with McDreamy? Is he doing drugs now? Is that why he's being an idiot?" Cristina presses.

"I've- I've got to go. Amelia's home with the kids. Love you," I say quickly and hang up before she can respond. That was stupid. She knows I don't really have to go.

But I can't have another person pity me. Because that is what she'd do if I told her the truth.

* * *

><p>"Love you too?" I say to a dead line.<p>

Meredith definitely was not acting right, the moment she picked up the phone. She is keeping something from me. What the hell did he do to her to make her like this? I need to get to the bottom of this. I scroll through my contacts list and stop on a contact and hit the 'call' button.

"Heeey! Evil Spawn? What's happening?"

"Why are you calling me, Yang?" Alex responds bitterly in the phone.

"Woah! What got up your ass?" I say smoothly.

"The board gave your seat to Bailey. Did you set me up? Say you gave me the board seat but actually recommend her?" He responds.

"What? No! Why would I give a board seat to BCB? I'd give it to the Nazi, but not BCB. I'll talk to Owen about that later," I'm shocked. What is happening there?

"Why'd you call me anyway? You haven't talked to me in a couple of weeks."

"Oh, right! I almost forgot! What the hell is going on with Meredith? I finally had a chance to call her instead of text her. She sounded… off. She said she was sick and stupid ass McDreamy wasn't hovering."

"She didn't tell you."

"Tell me what? Alex, answer me! Alex?"

"Calm down! I shouldn't be the one to tell you. I _can't _be the one to tell you. Meredith should tell you," Alex hesitated. He was obviously afraid of telling me. I'm away a couple of months and everything is falling apart.

"Alex, you have to tell me! Do you think Meredith would tell me, whatever it is?"

"Probably not," I hear Alex take a deep breath. He continues. He knows he can't keep a secret from me.

"Okay, I should probably start from the beginning. You know the new Head of Cardio you hired?"

"Yeah?" I say eagerly. She better be good. If she's slacking, I'm going on the next flight to Seattle.

"Don't interrupt! She's Meredith's half-sister. Yeah. I know. Product of Ellis and Richard's affair. But she really has nothing to do with this story. But I thought you should know. So Derek was going to go to Washington D.C. for the stupid brain project after you left for Zurich. They made a compromise: she stays in Seattle with the kids and he goes. But that didn't happen, because he said he stayed here for her and the kids. Meredith called it and he resented her. She came to me one night, on the verge of tears, because he said 'You sound just like your mother.' You know Meredith, she doesn't want to seem weak and cry, but she looked like she was about to. But anyway, they had a huge fight around two weeks ago. I'm not sure what happened, because she's been shutting everyone out. Like she'll hang out with me, but she doesn't want to talk about anything revolving around him. No one says his name around her, because no one knows what'll happen."

"He did what?" I yell into the phone. He did **not **do that to my person. _My person. _She has survived so, so much. She doesn't have her person, or her husband.

"I know. I don't know how Meredith is doing everything. She has Amelia to help her, but Amelia isn't enough, considering Amelia has her own life."

"Why—Why didn't she tell me?"

"I don't know. She has had it hard for the past couple of weeks."

"Look, I've got to go. Can you please ask Meredith why she didn't tell me? Love you, Evil Spawn!" I shout sarcastically into the phone. I cringe at the thought of ever dating _Alex Karev. _

"Sure. Love you, Yang,"He says quickly and hangs up.

Wow. I can really feel the love.

* * *

><p>I hang up the phone quickly. I still can't believe Cristina is in Zurich. All of us are gone. George is dead. Izzie ran off, and Cristina has moved on from Seattle Grace Mercy Death. It's just Meredith and me left. But now, Meredith's fading away. Slowly, but surely, she is.<p>

Why does this always happen to me? Why do I always lose everyone?

And then I'd be alone. Sure, I have Jo, and my other friends, but no one comes close to my friendship with Bailey's other interns. They've always had my back, even when I haven't had theirs. They've seen and known my worst, and my best. They are irreplaceable.

(The next morning)

The alarm went off and Alex woke up alone. Jo was on-call last night. The 'frat-house' was no longer a frat-house.

Except for the fact Arizona Robbins moved in.

She was pretty much a fly on the wall, considering she showed up one night with a suitcase. Alex never minded her, considering she _actually _cleaned up after herself and didn't insult him every five minutes, like Cristina did.

As he had walked down the stairs after getting ready to go to the hospital, only one thing was on his mind. And that was to make sure his friend is okay.

"Hey Alex! I made some coffee," Arizona said cheerfully, holding up the coffee pot.

"How can you be so cheerful at 6:30 in the morning? And I'll take some," Alex mumbled, shuffling his feet into the kitchen.

"I'm a pediatric surgeon. I deal with tiny humans all day. I always have to be happy, even though my wife and I are separated and I only see my kid every other day, unless I go see her in daycare, which isn't very often because I'm in a fetal surgery fellowship, which also requires me to be happy considering I am surrounded by pregnant women and their husbands, worried about their unborn I don't at look happy that's when you need to worry. "

"I deal with children all day, do I always look happy?" Alex suggested, trying to cheer up his friend.

"No, because your Alex."

"Ouch. That hurt," Alex replied, and smiled. He knew Arizona didn't mean it like that. Cristina probably would've.

"Good," Arizona smiled. And it looked genuine.

Alex made a goal for himself: make Arizona Robbins smile more often.

Alex grabbed his coffee mug and poured his coffee in, not adding anything.

"I still don't know how you drink your coffee straight up," Arizona commented.

Alex shrugged, and screwed the top of his mug on. "One time when I was an intern, I didn't have time to do anything with coffee because Meredith wouldn't get out of her bed that morning because she had a bad feeling. It seems fitting that later that day she was almost killed by a bomb that was in a patient's body," Arizona's eyes widened. "Well, anyway, I learned that day that I like the taste of straight up coffee. See you at rounds," He said and ran out the door.

"And I also don't know how you can skip breakfast sometimes!" Arizona called after him.

* * *

><p>Meredith's day started off much differently.<p>

She woke up, not to vomiting like yesterday, but her daughter jumping on top of her. She wished she was vomiting, because then she wouldn't have to deal with her daughter's temper tantrums. Overall, she was glad that her 24-hour bug passed.

Meredith groaned. It was 5:30 A.M.

"I want Daddy!" Zola screamed. Tears ran down her face.

"Zola, you have to be quiet—" Meredith began, before Zola interrupted her.

"No! I want Daddy!"

"Zola, your brother and Aunt Amelia are still sleeping," Meredith tried to calm down her rambunctious daughter.

"No! Where is Daddy?" Zola interrogated her mother again, still jumping around the bed.

Meredith was definitely awake now, along with the rest of the house. Meredith pushed herself up into a sitting position. She grabbed her jumping daughter and hugged her.

"Let me go, Momma!" Zola squirmed in her mother's arms, still shouting, but Meredith just held on and rocked her. She still tried to fight, but Meredith just continued to hold her, and whispered soothing words. She was calming down. Meredith glanced at the clock and 15 minutes had already passed.

"Where is Daddy?" Zola asked in a whisper, still crying.

"He is helping people on the other side of the country." That was the best she could come up with. It's better than how her mother told her, because her mother just yelled at her to be quiet because she was studying and that her father was gone.

"How far away is that?"

"Over 2,700 miles," Meredith replied. When she saw the confused look that settled over Zola's face, she said, "It's very far."

"Oh," was all Zola could say. The disappointment on her little girls face made Meredith's heart sink into her stomach.

"Come on, let's get you ready," Meredith said, carrying Zola to her room across the hallway.

Meredith set her down on her fluffy pink bed. She then set out a pair of black leggings and a pink and purple shirt.

"You can put on your clothes yourself, right?" Meredith crouched down to her daughter's height. Zola nodded her head and smiled.

"Okay. I'm going to go get your brother dressed," Meredith said as she closed the door behind her. She was greeted by Amelia, with Bailey in her arms, fully dressed. He was already asleep again.

"Surprise!" Amelia whispered, taking in the fact that Bailey was asleep again.

"You didn't have to do that! You got them both ready yesterday. I know how hard it is to do that."

"That's exactly why I did it. You shouldn't know how hard it is to get both of them ready."

Meredith nodded and took Bailey from her arms. He opened his eyes, and they are bright blue, just like his fathers.

"Good morning, Bailey," Meredith said to the little boy in her arms.

"I'm going to put him in his playpen and get ready quickly," she whispered to her sister in-law.

"I'll handle Zola," she whispered back.

Meredith walked quickly into the playroom, but before she placed him in the pen, she played with him for five minutes. It had been a while since she had gotten to play with her son.

"Come on, big guy," Meredith said afterward, as she picked him up and placed him in the pen. Bailey was getting heavier to lift each day.

Meredith walked back into her room and threw on some clothes. She didn't bother putting on more make up than concealer, to cover the dark bags under her eyes. She never had much time to get ready in the morning, anyway. She pulled her hair into a bun in the back of her hair. She doesn't even look in the mirror too long. She knows how bad she looks, considering she hasn't had a full night of sleep since Cristina left. At first, it was fighting with her husband. Then, it was worrying to death about everything. Now, its worrying to death about everything and cleaning the house, doing the laundry, doing the dishes, doing everything a regular housewife would do.

* * *

><p>"<em>And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband," a red-head said to me.<em>

_My mind was swirling. He is married? Is this some crazy dream? I need to wake up._

_But it's not a dream. It's reality. I've been dating a married man? And I didn't even notice? Can I really be that dumb?_

_I take a moment to think. He's really married? He can't be. It's some sick joke he's pulling on her. He would've told her he's freaking married! I look at him, and then at her. Her face says she is not joking, and that she actually is enjoying my pain. I __ see in the corner of my eye the exit to the parking lot. I run as fast as I can, past my coworkers and patients, and run out the door into the parking lot. I search for my car quickly, in case he chased after me. That would be a bonehead move on his part, but then again not telling your girlfriend you are married is beyond a bonehead move. I can't look at anyone. I can't speak to anyone. I am sick to my stomach. I see my car all the way in the back. Of course it's my luck to park in the back the one day I need to park towards the hospital. When I start to run towards my car, my foot lands in a puddle. At that moment, I realize i's raining. Hard. But I continue to run, because I don't care. I just need to get out of here._

_I trip on a rock and fall on my side. I check my hands to see if they're cut, and they aren't. I let out a deep breath, because if they were cut, then I wouldn't be able to be in the OR. I stifle a groan. __I get up, and continue to run, even though my right leg and foot don't agree with my actions. I skid to a stop at my car and fumble around in my bag for my keys. _

"_Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it!" I whisper to myself. I can't find my keys. Today is not the day to forget them in my locker. Today is not the day for a lot of things._

_I continue to look around in my bag, but I still can't find them. And then, I hear a rattle of metal against metal and I pull out the key ring. I sigh in relief and jam the key into the lock._

_I jump into my car and try to put the key into the ignition, and then I realized my hands are shaking. I stop, take a deep breath, and then try again. The car turns on and I can't get out of the parking lot faster._

* * *

><p>"Meredith?" A familiar voice called as Meredith walked down the hallway. She turned around.<p>

"Addison?" Meredith said as she walked over to the red-head. Why would she be here? She continued, "What brings you to Seattle?"

"Well if Derek picked up the damn phone, you would've known! I'm consulting on a difficult case with Doctor Herman. You know her? She's a fetal surgeon here."

Meredith cringed at the mention of her husband. It was the first time anyone had dared bringing him up to her.

"Oh—"

"Doctor Grey? They called an emergency board meeting," one of the nurses had interrupted them. Meredith turned her head quickly. Saved by the bell? Definitely.

And sure enough, Meredith's pager beeps '911-Conference Room'.

"Well I don't want to keep you, but we should have lunch together, to catch up, you know?"

"Um, how's 1:00?"

"That would be great. See you later, Meredith," Addison called after the woman as she ran away.

Addison was a little shocked seeing Meredith Grey in the hallway of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. She would've packed her bags and left the town after the plane crash. It would've been too much, seeing ghosts of her past everywhere.

What shocked Addison even more was how Meredith looked. She looked exhausted, both physically and emotionally. It was clear that she was trying to hide the bags under her eyes. The already skinny Meredith was even thinner. What the hell has happened to this hospital?

"Meredith?" She called out.

"Addison? What brings you to Seattle?" Meredith replied, shocked to see her too.

"Well if Derek picked up the damn phone, you would've known! I'm consulting on a difficult case with Doctor Herman. You know her? She's a fetal surgeon here." Addison smiled.

But Meredith's face drained of color and a look of fear was displayed on her face. Addison couldn't help but notice.

"Oh-" She had started, but was interrupted by a nurse.

"Doctor Grey? They called an emergency board meeting," the nurse said.

Addison still couldn't believe that she was on the board, and that the board was made up of doctors, most of them coming from before Addison worked there.

"Well I don't want to keep you, but we should have lunch together, to catch up, you know?" Addison suggested.

"Um, hows 1:00?"

"That would be great. See you later, Meredith!" Addison called out to her friend, but she had already disappeared around the corner.

Addison knew that she was in trouble, and that it had to do with her ex-husband, like usual.

'I thought I told him not to hurt her again!' Addison thought to herself. For her ex-husband being a neurosurgeon, sometimes he could be so damn brainless.

Addison decided that she had to call her ex-husband and get to the bottom of this, right after the board meeting.

* * *

><p>"Why is there an emergency board meeting?" Meredith panted, as she burst through the doors of the conference room. She had ran all the way there.<p>

Meredith's face paled at the sight of her husband. He had kept his board seat after he moved to D.C. He was going to telecommute to all board meetings. Last week's meeting, he was busy, so Meredith didn't have to see him, and, she had missed yesterday's weekly board meeting. Except, Meredith wasn't exactly free from him. His photos were all over their house and hospital, haunting her. Even over 2,700 miles away, he's still not completely gone.

Meredith walked quickly to the seat between Callie and Richard, one of the two seats that can't be seen on the webcam that was set up.

"Why were we paged here? We just had a board meeting yesterday. You're interrupted my skills lab!" Bailey complained.

"We called you here because a 34-year old pregnant woman, who remains anonymous, came into the ER a half an hour ago, because her water broke," Owen began, "She's pregnant..."He paused, almost as if he didn't want to be sharing the news. "...with conjoined twins. She's at 36 weeks. We've stopped labor for now, but it won't be much longer until the contractions start." He finished quickly, obviously awkward, considering last time conjoined twins were mentioned in this hospital.

Everyone was silent. The last time that this hospital dealt with conjoined twins, a plane crashed.

"What type?" Arizona cleared her throat. Everyone was a little shocked that she has spoken first, considering she had the worst of the injuries.

"Thoraco-omphalopagus," Owen replied.

"We, as the board, need to choose attendings, residents, interns, scrub nurses, everyone involved in the process basically, to separate the twins, and decide what three ORs to book. And how to handle everyone who wants to observe the surgery. The mother would like to remain anonymous, along with her two daughters," Jackson added.

"We also need to figure out what types of surgeons we need," added Owen.

"Wait, who would deliver the babies? No OBs here have any experience," Callie questioned.

"Doctor Addison Montgomery is in town, helping Doctor Herman with a case. I'm sure she wouldn't mind..." Owen replied.

"Oh! Addison and I are having lunch at 1:00, to catch up, I can ask her then. It'll most likely be a yes," Meredith interrupted.

"Great. So we just need to figure out what date to do the C-section, along with the separation. And what three ORs? We need one for the C-section, one for the separation, and the other one for when they are separated so we can fix any anomalies," Jackson replied.

"How about ORs 2, 4, and 5? Four and five don't have viewing rooms, and we can just close off the room in OR two," Richard suggested.

"The date would have to be no longer than a week from today. If her labor already had to be stopped, it's not going to be long until it starts again," Arizona added.

Everyone nodded in agreement.

**How was this for being a chapter around four times as long as my smallest chapter! Please leave reviews, because I need to know what to do better! ****This conjoined twin story line is not very important to the story, but one moment I have planned during the surgery is, and I need Addison to be there in Seattle. Sorry it kind of ended on an awkward note...**

**Okay, so probably all of you are like 'what the heck is that? thoraco-what?' Well thoraco-omphalopagus twins are simply twins conjoined from the upper chest to the lower chest. They usually share a heart, and sometimes liver or parts of the digestive system.**

**Also, if you were confused on how the conference room was set up, draw an oval. Label the top (small side) Owen, then going counter clockwise is Derek and the webcam, Callie, Meredith, and then the bottom of the oval is Richard, then on the other side is Bailey and then Arizona. I hope this helps for any confused readers!**


	6. I Will Be There

**AN- Happy holidays everyone! I can't believe Christmas is already tomorrow. This chapter is named I Will Be There by Odessa. Great song, even better title for a chapter. I had a little bit of difficulty at first, because I was trying to convert Grey's time (which is pretty hard, because the first three seasons is only one year! It gets confusing), and then I was trying to figure out Private Practice years (because Addison is here!). If somethings don't match up, I am so sorry! Please leave some reviews for me!**

**Still don't own Grey's Anatomy...**

**P.S. - For Christmas tomorrow, I'm posting the first installment of a multi-shot story called 'Letters to...'. Keep your eyes open for it!**

* * *

><p><em>Everyone was filing out, except Meredith, who hadn't left. Derek still hadn't hung up the video call. He wasn't sure what she was doing, considering he couldn't see her, as she was sitting away from the camera.<em>

"_Meredith? Are you okay? You didn't look very good," Derek asked cautiously._

_Meredith jumped a little, shocked that Derek still hadn't hung up. She ignored him._

"_I know you're there. You can't ignore me. I'm your husband! I just want to see how you're doing."_

_She walked over to where Derek could see her. Her arms were crossed, her face scowled._

"_You don't have the right anymore to see how I'm doing! You left for D.C.! You're free from me! Even though you are my husband, you don't get to call yourself that. You gave that right up when you hurt me. You don't hurt the people you love. You don't accuse the people you love of hating their sister. You don't accuse the people you love of hating their __**dead **__sister. You especially don't accuse the people you love of hating their dead sister, when they had watched her __**die **__right before her eyes. You can't just expect me to forgive you with a half-hearted 'I'm sorry.' You can't just expect me to be __**okay**__," Her voice was stone cold._

_Derek's arms were covered in goosebumps._

"_I'm guessing you didn't get it," Derek said sadly, his voice cracking in the middle of the sentence._

_Confusion clouded Meredith's face, and then she stormed out. He clicked 'end call.'_

Before Derek could do anything, his cell phone rang. It was his ex-wife.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd! What the hell did you do?" Addison shrieked into the phone, having picked up on the first ring.

Derek groaned. Addison continued to blabber away,"Guess who I ran into today, your wife! And only your wife. I was shocked to not see you, hovering over her. So I decided to hang around the nurse's station, considering all they know how to do is gossip, and apparently, someone is in Washington D.C., working for the President. And didn't bother to bring _his wife and two children_. I mean, what the hell is wrong with you! I told you not to hurt her again! Remember I told you not to hurt her?"

"And by the way, congratulations on your second kid. Boy or girl?" Addison added, completely changing tones.

"Boy. His name is Bailey," Derek smiled at the thought of his baby boy.

"As in Miranda Bailey?" Derek could almost see Addison raising one eyebrow.

"Yeah. It's a long story. Meredith was pregnant with him around that big super storm last year. She fell, and later that night her water broke. Before closing, there was hemorrhaging, and they called in Miranda. She had to have a complete splenectomy. She saved Meredith's life."

"Wow," Was all Addison could say.

"I didn't leave them behind. I wanted to go, Meredith wanted to stay, but she wanted me to go. I decided I was staying instead, because I don't want to not see my children grow up and I don't want to have to wake up every day not next to my wife. But we had a fight and I went to D.C."

"You ran to D.C. after fighting with Meredith? Derek, dear lord! What the hell is wrong with you? That's what happened to us. You ran for Seattle, and we were over! I know it is different now, considering you actually love your wife, but still! You are a world-class neurosurgeon that doesn't have a brain! You are so, so lucky you are in D.C. because if you were in Seattle right now, I'd honestly bitch slap you so hard."

"You don't understand, Addie. You haven't visited Seattle since Callie had her accident. A lot has changed. Everyone has been through hell and back. Anyways, Meredith said something at the board meeting about going to lunch with _you. _Why on earth would you do that?"

"Because I haven't been here since Callie had her accident. I need to catch up on all of the events that has happened since the last time I was here. I ran into Meredith, and I asked her if she wanted to have lunch together. She said yes. I'm having dinner with Callie and Amelia tonight. It's not that weird, Derek."

* * *

><p>"Meredith! There you are!" Alex called down the hallway, chasing after her. She had just left the conference room.<p>

Meredith ignored Alex, and walked straight into an on-call room, and quickly shut the door behind her. She didn't want to talk to anyone. She sat down on one of the beds, and just stared at the wall. She couldn't cry. She had to be strong, even though no one is around her, because she had to be strong for herself. If she had started to cry, there would be no stopping.

It really is too bad that she didn't lock the door.

Alex burst through the door. He was kind of shocked that she didn't lock the door. He immediately shut the door behind him, locked it, and sat down by his friend.

"Mer…"

"I'm fine, Alex."

"That's never good."

"What do you need?"

"You know, I need you to be okay. Because you're as messed up—" Alex began.

"That's the understatement of the year," Meredith laughed bitterly.

"Because you're as messed up as I am. I need you to be okay, so that I know I'll be okay too. We're alike, you know. We both had crappy parents and a crappy childhood, but we came through it. We both survived Seattle Grace Mercy Death. We both survived some very crappy odds. I mean, at one point, I thought I was going to lose Jo," Meredith turned to Alex, confused. She didn't know about their misunderstanding at April's almost-wedding, when he had proposed.

Alex took a deep breath, knowing he had to spill his guts, "I proposed to her at April's almost-wedding, but she didn't know I was proposing. I didn't say 'Will you marry me', or get down on one knee with a ring, because I thought we'd sort that crap out later. So when I introduced her as my fiancé to a patient's family, she freaked."

"Oh… Why didn't you tell Cristina or me sooner?"

"You guys had your own problems. I didn't want to burden you," He shrugged.

"Come on, we burdened you every day with our stupid problems. I still burden you with mine. And by the way, I know you need something, because you didn't just chase after me to help me feel better," Meredith sank down, thinking about her current predicament with her husband.

"I got a letter, by accident. It's for you, so here," Alex handed her the letter and continued, "Well, whatever caused you to run into this on-call room and ignore me, I can help with it. You know, I can personally fly to Washington D.C., knock that asshole off of his high horse, and bring out my awesome wrestling and 'I was raised in the trash cans' skills and beat him up," inferring that Derek was the one who did this to Meredith.

She cracked a small smile. "Thanks. I'll open it when I get home. That won't be necessary, because I'd kill him before you can get the chance to."

"You'd kill your child's father? I underestimate you sometimes Meredith Grey," Alex said and left the on-call room.

Meredith's face fell. She realized something.

* * *

><p><em>'He's with Rose.' I whispered to myself, over and over. I squeeze my eyes shut, and take deep breaths. I can't be crying over a guy that just tossed me aside and started dating someone else. I have to be stronger than that. It's just another sleepless night, and I should be used to it, considering I am a surgical resident. It would be so much easier dealing with this with tequila and one night stands, but that's what got me into this mess in the first place. I can't do that again, I don't have it in me to do so.<em>

_He's with Rose. The only three words that keep my relatively sane._

"Addison!" Meredith called the red-head over to the lunch table she was sitting at. Zola was next to her. Meredith had picked her up from day-care a couple of minutes ago.

"Well who's this?" Addison asked, her voice an octave higher, as she was speaking in that voice people use around children.

"Hi. I'm Zola," Zola waved shyly at the stranger.

"Hi. I'm Addison," She replied as she sat down.

"We adopted her around two years ago. She's from Malawi. We found her through the pro bono program here that performs surgeries on African children. Derek found her because she had spina bifida," Meredith smiled down at her daughter.

"Daddy?" Zola perked up at the sound of her father's name. She scanned the room for him.

"He's still in D.C. ZoZo," Meredith disappointed her daughter once again. Zola frowned.

"I heard among hospital gossip that you have a son also? I have a son. His name is Henry," Addison asked, trying to fill the awkward silence.

"Yes. His name's Derek Jr., but we call him Bailey," Meredith replied, smiling at the thought of her son.

"I'm going to go drop off Zola, I have a surgery in a half hour, would you like to come?" Meredith asked Addison, a half hour later. Not a minute was wasted, because they talked the entire time.

Addison was confused at first, and then she saw the look on Meredith's face. It was almost as if Meredith was begging her to come.

"Why not? I have to sneak a peek at your son, too," Addison smiled.

"Bye Zola, bye Bailey," Meredith said for the last time to them and left the day care, Addison by her side.

"Addison, I need to ask you for a favor. I know I shouldn't ask you, considering the whole thing where I stole your husband and all, and how we kind of rubbed it in your face around the hospital, which we didn't mean to do—" Addison cut Meredith off.

"Meredith, you're rambling. What do you need?

**So what's this letter about, and what does Derek mean about "I'm guessing you didn't get it." ? This is Grey's Anatomy, so you guys can figure it out :) Just want to give a shout out to the two guests that reviewed last chapter and gave me some interesting things to think about... I couldn't respond to you guys because you were guest... but you guys rock!**

**Reviews would be nice :)**


	7. You Should Know Where I'm Coming From

**First chapter of 2015! I wanted to post it earlier, but I had difficulty with the last part. This chapter is named after You Should Know Where I'm Coming From by Banks. By the way, if you listen to the songs I use as my titles, you can tell why I chose them because in some way or another they relate to the chapter. Hope you enjoy! *Private Practice Spoilers (not big ones, but I'll warn you)**

**Update (1/15/15): While looking at this chapter to add some details into the next chapter, I noticed a huge error (which was a small detail to you, large detail to me) that I put in. In a couple chapters, you'll find out what the error is. If you get an alert for a new chapter, THIS IS NOT THE NEW CHAPTER. I'm sorry for that. I should have the next chapter up by Saturday :)**

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><p>"Meredith, you're rambling. What do you need?" Addison asked, as the two continued walking down the hallway. Meredith pulled her into a supply closet.<p>

"I think I maybe pregnant. You're the only person I trust. I know you won't gossip either, and I can understand if you don't want to run the test, but please?"

Addison looked into her friend's eyes. All she could see was pain.

"Of course. Should we go to an OB/GYN exam room? I think there's private ones up there, I was only here for a couple months, but I am still sure I know the layout of this hospital with my eyes closed."

"Yeah. No nurses, or anything. All they know how to do is gossip."

"I have to do a consult with Doctor Herman in ten minutes. Meet me up in one of the private exam rooms in a half hour?"

"That'll be fine. Especially since that's when the OB nurses are still on their lunch break. I almost forgot, we have a case of conjoined twins. We need an experienced OB to help us, and no OBs here have any experience delivering conjoined twins. The board was wondering if you can join us for the meeting tomorrow about the surgery to separate them. It's at 8:45 tomorrow morning."

"That should be no problem."

* * *

><p>"Evil spawn! Did you do what I asked you?" Cristina asked over the phone.<p>

"Dang it! No I didn't—" Alex began.

"Really? I asked you to do _one _thing! One thing! Are you rea—"

"_Because—_" Alex interrupted.

"Are you really that incompetent? Did banging all the interns make you stupid?"

"I didn't get to ask her because Shepherd screwed with her."

"He's back in Seattle?"

"No, he _screwed with her, _not _screwed her._ There is a difference. I don't expect you to know it, considering Owen did both with you."

"Ha Ha. Very funny. But seriously, what happened?"

"I don't know what happened, but I had to track her down to give her some letter that was given to me by accident. After I was going to give it to her, I was going to ask her, but he did something to her. She was walking out of the conference room after an emergency board meeting, and she went straight into an on-call room. She wasn't crying, but it looked like she was about to. He must've said something. But I did get to give her the letter."

"A letter? Who sends freaking letters? And who's it from?"

"I don't know, but I have a surgery to get to. I'll ask her soon. Talk to you later," Alex frowned.

"Bye."

* * *

><p>Meredith pushed the 'down' button to call the elevator, exactly twenty-five minutes after her closet talk with Addison. She picked at her nails nervously. When the elevator doors opened, she found Addison, presumably on her way down from the surgical floor to the third floor, where OBGYN was. Meredith walked silently onto the elevator. No one said anything. The elevator doors opened again, revealing the third floor. They both silently walked off to the OB/GYN part of the floor. Halfway there, Addison whispered something.

"I'm only going to draw your blood, considering you might not be pregnant. If the tests are positive, I'd perform the ultrasound, unless you are uncomfortable with me doing so."

"That's fine. Thank you, again, for doing this."

They both entered one the exam rooms without anyone noticing, as most of the nurses were on their break, and the others were dealing with patients. Addison immediately started prepping for the blood test, while Meredith took a seat on the exam chair.

"Before we get started, about how many weeks along do you think you are?"

"It would have to be… about five weeks along. It's been two-ish weeks since Derek left, and then three weeks…" Meredith let herself trail off.

"Almost ready…" Addison said, as she wiped Meredith's arm with an alcohol swab.

"At first, I thought I had some 24-hour flu, because it has been going around the daycare, but when Alex said something to me, I connected some dots. I realized that I might've had morning sickness yesterday," Meredith ignored Addison.

"I should have the results ready in around four hours. I'll page you then. Come to this exact exam room, I'll make sure it's closed off. I'm going to label the blood as Jane Doe so the lab techs don't get all gossipy also."

"I don't know how I will ever repay you."

"It's no problem, really," Addison smiled.

* * *

><p>Meredith held the letter in her hands, three and a half hours later, in the attending's lounge. She had been pulled into an emergency surgery from a car crash, but she didn't make it. Her injuries were too fatal. They hadn't been fast enough. Sure, it wasn't their fault, but when this kind of thing happened, it always felt like it.<p>

Meredith slowly figured out who the letter was from. The only reasonable person would be Derek. Everyone else that she cared about was right here, in Seattle. Besides Cristina, but she would call, not send letters.

Meredith wanted so badly to just apologize to Derek, so that maybe she could just hear his voice again, and his voice wouldn't be yelling at her, and she wouldn't be yelling at him. Meredith loved him, but it hurt so much to do so.

Love and pain were synonymous to Meredith.

'_It's better to just rip the band-aid'_ Meredith thought to herself. She ripped the envelope open and a sheet of lined paper fell out. It was neatly folded, with a familiar scrawl covering the front and back. Meredith unfolded it and read it slowly. And then read it again, to make sure she read it correctly. And then again, to make sure she wasn't imagining it.

"What am I going to do?" She whispered silently to herself.

Her pager began to beep furiously, pulling her out of her now dark and twisty thoughts. It was Addison, with the test results. Meredith carefully folded the letter back and stuffed it into her lab coat pocket. She skipped the elevators and went straight for the stairs, running down one level to floor with OB/GYN. Meredith slowed down to a fast walk, so she wouldn't seem suspicious to onlookers, and swiftly entered the same exam room from before.

Addison was already there, looking at her file. When she looked up and saw Meredith standing there, she motioned her to sit down.

"You're pregnant," Addison said bluntly.

Meredith remained silent. She was terrified.

"I'd like to schedule an ultrasound for tomorrow morning at 6:45, before anyone would be here. I'm presuming that you'd like to get home and make your two beautiful children dinner, so I don't want to keep you here any longer. Is that okay?"

"Yeah. It's okay," Meredith replied, trying to rid her voice of emotion.

"Congratulations," Addison smiled slightly at her.

"Thank you. I have to go now," Meredith smiled tightly back and abruptly left, leaving Addison just sitting there. She knew Meredith needed time to process.

Addison let out a deep breath, thankful that she had composed herself. She whipped out her phone and immediately dialed a familiar number. They picked up on the third ring.

**Private Practice spoilers start here (just read the huge paragraph two lines below this if you don't want spoilers)**

"Hey Jake," Addison smiled at the thought of her husband.

"Hey Addison. Is everything okay in Seattle? You sound kind of stressed."

"Yeah. Well, you know how I told you the whole story about my ex-husband, Derek? And how after I left Seattle, I was kind of starting to become friends with Meredith? Yeah, well first off, they got married. Second off, they have two adorable children. Third off, Derek left Meredith and their two adorable children in Seattle, and went to D.C. to work for the president for some stupid brain crap. Today, Meredith and I were having lunch, and she tells me she thinks she is pregnant, so I run the test. And I ask her the routine question of 'how along do you think the fetus is?', and she responds five weeks. Her test results don't match that. I know for a fact that Meredith would never cheat on Derek. Ever. Her test results revealed that she is below the normal range for hCG levels. I know, that could mean it's just slow rising and she could go on to have a normal pregnancy, but it could mean that it's an ectopic pregnancy, or the pregnancy is failing. I don't know what to tell her! Oh, I'm sorry I kind of ruined your life a few years back for a couple months, now I am going to ruin your life again and tell you your baby might not live? I told her I'll do an ultrasound tomorrow, and then I'll tell her. If it's ectopic, then she should be showing mild symptoms by now."

"Woah. Tomorrow, ask her anything that happened with her two other pregnancies, and possible other failed pregnancies, that could suggest an ectopic pregnancy."

"Only one of her kids is biologically hers. The other was adopted from Africa through a surgical program for African children. It's a sweet story, really."

"Well, still ask her. If she says yes to anything, then you're a step closer to the answer. Don't freak out. Everything will be fine, Addison. It always is," Jake tried to comfort his wife.

"Fine is something that Meredith Grey will never be. She's a lightning rod for disasters, physical and emotional. That one percent chance that something will happen? It'll happen to Meredith. She's survived a bomb, a shooting, a plane crash, a super storm, and during the super storm, the birth of her baby, which almost killed her. That's not counting all of her friends that have died or almost died, her parents, and not counting all the times my ex-husband has been a total jackass."

Jake didn't have a reply that time.

"I'll call you again later, so I can say goodnight to Henry. It's still pretty early," Addison changed the subject, and her tone at the mention of her son.

"Hey! What about me? Are you just not going to say goodnight to your husband?"

"Maybe you, too," Addison laughed a little.

* * *

><p>Meredith sat down on her bed, three hours later. Zola and Bailey were fed, bathed, and put to bed. She held the letter in her slightly shaking hands.<p>

_Dear Meredith,_

_ I know it's completely overdue, but, I'm sorry. I know saying 'I'm sorry' isn't enough, and I have no idea how to make things right._

_ I am so, so, sorry that I brought up Lexie in our fight. It was beyond uncalled for. I know that you loved Lexie, and that you miss her every day. I have no idea what got into me then, but I am deeply ashamed of what I said and did. I was a coward to just go off to D.C. after a fight. I should have apologized first, in person. _

Meredith had to stop reading. Not again. She couldn't look. Meredith still wanted to be mad at him, but he was making it so hard not to. 'I'm sorry' didn't cut it. She had to admit it, though, she was less mad at him, more annoyed.

But what shocked her the most, still, was the final few sentences of the letter.

_I managed to switch around my schedule at the end of next month. I couldn't find any free time earlier, so I'll be visiting for 3 days. I'll tell you more details once I get them myself._

_Love,_

_Derek_

**So, how is it? ****I'll show more of Meredith's reaction to her being pregnant after the ultrasound, when Addison finally reveals it all. Sorry that it is kind of a cliffie. Please review, it really makes my day!**


	8. Unarmed

**Sorry it's taking longer and longer to update, I've had exams and the semester just closed. This chapter is named after Unarmed by Mariah McManus. I'm not including the board meeting or the surgery for the conjoined twins, as most of you (if not all) won't understand the medical jargon. The conjoined twins will still be mentioned, though. Some of the information about them was taken from news articles I have found online.**

* * *

><p>Meredith had no time to feel. It was like she was sedated, like she was suspended in air, like she was drowning in a never ending pool. Meredith didn't want to feel. She didn't want to feel the cramps attacking her, or the blood gushing down her legs, or April asking if she was okay, or Owen giving her a pitied look. She didn't want to relive past memories.<p>

Meredith was afraid of that happening. All she wanted was this pregnancy to be healthy. Even if she wasn't ready for another child, even if she didn't want another child, she couldn't have an abortion. Meredith was pro-choice, but she didn't want to feel another loss like that.

Meredith didn't want to feel. So she shut the world out.

* * *

><p>Meredith woke up right before her alarm would've buzzed at 5:30 in the morning. She wouldn't call it 'waking up' per se, considering she had been up for most of the night, somewhere between nightmares and half consciousness, still thinking about Derek coming back to Seattle, and the fact that she was pregnant.<p>

What she was most infuriated about, at the moment, was that she couldn't have coffee. She could have just one cup and get away with it, but no matter how much Meredith did _not _want another child, she didn't want to harm him or her intentionally.

She was grateful that Amelia agreed last night to take the kids to daycare. It didn't open until 7:00.

Meredith yanked at her alarm clock's cord before it could start ringing. She sensed that today was going to be a long day, especially without any coffee.

* * *

><p>Meredith waited in one of the private obstetric exam rooms, the one that she met Addison in yesterday. It was a minute until 6:45. She sat on the edge of the exam chair, her head in her hands.<p>

_No God would let me get pregnant, just to lose him or her again. No God would let that happen. _Meredith repeated over and over in her head.

There was a light knock on the door.

"You can come in," Meredith replied, after taking a deep breath.

Addison opened the door and slipped in, already in navy blue scrubs and her lab coat. She held the lab results from yesterday in her hands, which were shaking slightly. She looked almost nervous.

"Good morning," Addison obviously faked a smile. Meredith sensed that something was off.

Meredith only nodded in acknowledgement, as she sat back in the exam chair and pulled up her shirt while Addison got the ultrasound equipment ready.

"I presume you know how this is done. Should I explain all of the steps to you or…?"

"No, I'm fine."

Addison nodded, and squirted the cold gel onto Meredith's flat belly grabbed the ultrasound wand. As soon as the picture came up, Addison let out the breath she was holding in. There were no signs that there was an ectopic pregnancy. Addison could make out the yolk sac, so Meredith was roughly five and a half weeks along.

There was only two options left for the low hCG levels: the pregnancy is failing or the hCG is just slow rising.

"Would you like to see the yolk sac?" Addison asked Meredith in the best bright and shiny voice that she could muster.

Meredith shook her head, tears forming in her eyes.

"This can't be happening again."

"Excuse me?"

"I know something's wrong. You sounded nervous when coming in, like there might be bad news, and then you exhaled when the picture came up. I'm presuming it's because my hCG is low and that you were relieved that it wasn't because of an ectopic pregnancy. So now the only options left are that the pregnancy is failing or that the hCG is just slowly rising."

Addison could only nod. She was at a loss for words.

"The day that Derek was shot, I was pregnant. The day after Derek was shot, I wasn't. It was simple. The doctor diagnosed me with a hostile uterus," Meredith finished.

Addison couldn't believe Meredith had told her that.

"You're hCG levels are low, and based on your history, the pregnancy is more likely to fail. Watch for cramping or spotting. Don't lift very heavy things, or try not to do anything that can cause excess stress. I'm sorry," Addison suddenly found her voice.

"No reason to be sorry. I have two kids, Addison. I have to hold them and pick them up. I'm always stressed, I'm always worrying. There's no point. I have to go. I have rounds," Meredith pulled down her shirt and half walked, half ran out of the room.

All Meredith knew was that she was not prepared for this pregnancy.

* * *

><p>Meredith looked at the clock. It was now 11:39, almost time for lunch. The board meeting about the twins ran long. The twins were conjoined at the liver, diaphragm, intestines, and the pericardial sac. They decided on to deliver the babies the moment the mother starts contracting again, which would be soon, and then immediately separate the babies. Maggie would separate the pericardial sac, and then Richard and she would split the liver, Bailey would separate the intestines, and Alex would be handling the diaphragm.<p>

"Hey Mer! Do you want to meet everyone down in the cafeteria in twenty minutes? They have hamburgers and tater-tots today," Alex came up to her.

"Nah, I think I'll pass. Not very hungry," Meredith lied. The idea of food right now made her have to…

"I have to go," Meredith blurted out and rushed into the nearest bathroom and emptied her stomach. She wiped her mouth with some toilet paper and flushed. Meredith peeked under the stall, to make sure no one was there, and went over to the sinks and washed her hands.

"Hey, Alex asked me to see if you were okay. You guys were talking, and he said you kind of just walked away. Is everything okay?" Callie entered the bathroom and walked up to Meredith, who was drying her hands.

"Yeah. Tell him I'm fine," Meredith stormed off, slightly annoyed at Alex for that.

"That's never a good thing," Callie spoke out loud to no one.

"Okay, is something wrong with Meredith, or is it just me?" Amelia asked as she sat in between Maggie and Callie twenty minutes later. Alex joined them.

"No, she was acting funny earlier," Alex replied.

"Yeah, something was definitely off. She's always been dark and twisty, but this is different," Callie added.

"I'm not sure. I haven't known Meredith for that long, so I can't say much," Maggie offered.

"Last night, she asked me if I could take the kids into daycare, she said she had something to do early this morning. Of course, I said yes, because I had some alone time with my niece and nephew, but Meredith usually doesn't want to 'burden' me, which I told her was absolute bullshit, but that's beside the point."

"Well Meredith told me she was fine. Out of any word she could've chosen to say, she said she was fine. We should ban that word from her vocabulary, you know? She doesn't know what the word 'fine' means."

"It's been going on for a while, but since yesterday it's been worse. The last time Mer was like this was when… I have to go," Alex forgot about his lunch and ran away, looking for Meredith. He knew what was wrong.

He never found her until the next day, when it was too late.

**Again, sorry for the short chapter. I'm kind of disappointed with this chapter, but it is what it is. It came out better than originally planned. I will have the first part of the next chapter posted either tomorrow or Monday (it's going to be huge). This is the moment I've been waiting to write so, bear with me!**

**Please leave reviews! I love seeing what you guys think, it makes my day.**


	9. Ready to Lose

**The moment is finally here! The chapter I've been waiting to write! I've split my plan for this chapter in half (it was getting way too long and I liked the place where I cut it off.**

**The chapter is called Ready to Lose, after this fanfiction and the Ingrid Michaelson song.**

**Before you start reading this chapter, you do not need to know any of the medical jargon in one part. It's not very important. I have no idea about the medical forms and all mentioned in another part, I simply guessed (if it bothers you, sorry!) Also, the month they are in is March, if you're dying to know. **

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><p><em><strong>Thirty Minutes After<strong>_

"_Derek Christopher Shepherd, you better pick up the damn phone right now! It's urgent," Addison yelled into the phone, leaving a voice mail for her ex-husband. It was the fifth one._

"_Derek, I know you aren't on good terms with Mer, but you can't be __**this **__brainless. Check your phone!" Alex rushed. He was scared. He's seen too many people die or leave him, he can't handle this loss. Meredith and he were the only ones left. Alex couldn't be alone. He knew he'd have Jo for the rest of his life, but who'd he go to if they got into a fight? Who'd he go to if he needed advice on how to make it right?_

"_Shepherd. You have to answer the phone. I don't care how mad or whatever you are at Meredith, or us. But you need to answer the phone. I will personally fly to Washington DC and get your ass here if I have to. But you have to answer the phone. Meredith needs you. Your kids need you," Callie called again. Callie has seen too much death for this lifetime. She has seen too much loss for this lifetime. Meredith and she had never been close, but they had been starting to become really great friends._

"_Hey, um Derek. You really need to pick up the phone. It's Meredith. She, um, well we can explain everything to you once you call us back. Just, please pick up your phone," April said awkwardly to the voicemail. This was Meredith that she was talking about. Even though Meredith and she were never that close, Meredith was the person who had been her friend, besides Jackson, after the shooting. Meredith was the one that let them into their close knit group of friends._

"_Cristina? Meredith… Meredith was in an accident. She um, she- I can't say this over the phone. Just fly to Seattle the next chance you get. They say it doesn't look good," Jackson was put in charge of calling Cristina. At least, she picked up the phone. _

**Four Hours Before**

The alarm blared exactly at 5:00 in the morning. Meredith was grateful, considering she didn't wake up to morning sickness. Still half asleep, she shuffled out of bed and into her bathroom. She stripped down, throwing her clothes haphazardly into the laundry basket by the door. She just wanted to get into the shower and wash everything away.

But the little drops of blood didn't go unnoticed on her pair of underwear. She quickly walked back over to the laundry basket and picked up the dirty underwear, examining it. It wasn't a whole lot of blood, but Addison's words from yesterday stung in her mind. _Watch for cramping and spotting. _

And this was her spotting. Meredith carefully placed them back onto the pile, as if they were made of fragile glass.

_Deep breaths, I have to stay calm. Stress is not good. I have to stay calm. _

Meredith still couldn't catch her breath. She knew she was on the verge of a panic attack. She jumped into the shower, put the hot water on, and sunk down onto the floor, her head between her knees.

**One Hour After**

_Alex was nervous. If Meredith didn't make it, this would be on him._

If I had gotten there sooner, or if I had forced her to tell me the truth, this wouldn't have happened_. Alex thought. He began pacing inside the empty waiting room. The door opened. Addison and Alex looked up at Owen. They weren't allowing Alex to work, considering the state he was in about his friend. Addison's patients were all stable, so there was nothing else she could do._

"_Alex? Can I speak to you for a minute?"_

_Alex simply nodded his head and followed Owen out into the empty hallway._

"_How is she? Any change? Is she-"_

"_She's still unresponsive. Everything we are doing has little impact," Owen interrupted him._

"_She's still alive?"_

"_She's still alive."_

_Some of the weight was taken off of Alex's shoulders._

"_We need to do a CPB," Owen said bluntly._

"_Cardiopulmonary Bypass? Why? Can you even do that in there? Wouldn't Pierce have to do it, since its Cardio? She can't do it though, they're related!" Alex's eyes widened._

"_Yes, we can do an emergency CPB in there. Doctor Pierce said she'll help us, but mostly the rest of the surgical team does it. We'd do a femoral-femoral CPB. It can help. Studies have shown that this can help. We've tried everything: drugs, gastric lavage, bladder lavage, warmed IVs, heated blankets, and we did an A.P.G, and the results weren't very promising. Alex, you are the one to decide. Meredith put you in power if she can't decide herself, since she is compromised," Owen pressed his colleague._

"_What? What the hell? Isn't Derek the one who does that? Considering he's her husband? I-I can't decide this, can't you call him and ask? He might respond to you, you guys are friends, right?" Alex knew he was acting irrational, and a little bit crazy, but he's been through this too many times to count. He was allowed to break down like this._

"_He's not responding to anyone. You know that. Everyone not helping Meredith at the moment is trying to reach him. Derek isn't even legally allowed to decide, since Meredith put you in charge of her medical care. You know all the possible complications, but you also know all of the benefits."_

"_Okay… Okay, um... D-do it! Just do it." _

_Owen tersely and disappeared into the trauma room again. Alex slumped against the wall._

**Two and a Half Hours Before**

Meredith was running late to the hospital. She was ready, and her children were ready, but she still had to have breakfast, drive to the hospital, and drop the kids off at daycare. Meredith was grateful that there were no rounds today, because there was a great chance she would've been late and missed them. Today, they were training the residents and interns about trauma protocols. Even though Owen and April were the board-certified trauma surgeons, they wanted to pull some attendings help out.

Meredith quickly grabbed two bowls and poured out cereal for Zola and Bailey, who were patiently waiting at the breakfast bar for their food. She hadn't even considering making breakfast for herself, as they were running late and it'd most likely make a reappearance. Her children were unusually quiet, considering Zola was throwing more and more tantrums and Bailey was almost two, which meant the infamous 'terrible twos'.

Maybe it was due to the night prior, when both of them were being unruly.

"_Zola, it's an hour past your bedtime. How about you put on your pajamas and I read you your favorite story?" Meredith tried to calm down her little girl._

"_No! I not tired!" Zola screamed._

"_You have to lower your voice, you'll wake up your little brother," Meredith spoke in a low voice._

"_I don't care!"_

_The baby monitor set up on Zola's night stand blared out Bailey's wails._

"_See, now you've woken your brother up!" Meredith's voice raised slightly, some of her built up anger releasing. Zola burst into tears. Meredith realized what she had said picked her up and held on tightly to her, trying to calm her down._

"_I'm sorry Zo, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to yell," Meredith started crying herself. _Damn you, hormones. _Meredith thought to herself._

_Zola looked up from her hands and noticed her mother crying. She'd never seen her mother cry before. _

"_I'm sorry Mommy," Zola threw her arms around her mother's neck. A larger sob escaped from Meredith._

_Bailey's screaming brought them both back to reality as Meredith set down Zola and went running into Bailey's room, Zola trailing behind her. He was sitting up, and screaming at the top of his lungs, looking around for someone. Meredith wiped her eyes on her sleeve and turned on the lamp and tried to soothe her baby boy, but with no luck. Zola sat on the ground, watching._

_That's when the idea came to her._

_She picked up and carried Bailey over to the floor by Zola and placed him on the ground. Meredith settled afterwards, crossing her legs._

"_Next month, Daddy's coming home," Meredith plastered a fake smile onto her face. Bailey had perked up and stopped screaming at the mention of his dad. Zola grinned, her tantrum from earlier forgotten. _

"_Dada?" Bailey questioned._

"_Yes. Dada's coming home," Meredith replied. _

_Meredith have to tell him then. The end of next month was six weeks away. She'd be 11 or 12 weeks along, and with her luck, she'd be vomiting everywhere and she'd be a hormonal mess. Well, actually with her luck, she wouldn't have to tell him, because the baby would be gone. _

Meredith poured milk in both of the bowls and plopped spoons into them. She went around the counter and gave them their bowls of cereal, kissing their foreheads. Bailey sensed the somber mood and didn't play with his food this morning, like he usually did.

"When's Daddy coming home?" Zola dared to ask.

"Soon. In six weeks." Zola nodded, but Meredith knew that Zola didn't understand the concept of time.

"It's kind of far away, but if you are a good girl, it goes by much faster," Meredith reiterated. Zola smiled brightly and continued eating her cereal.

Meredith wished that theory applied to her life. If you're good, it goes by faster

**Two Hours Before**

Meredith had just changed into her scrubs and labcoat after dropping the kids off at daycare. She was too busy putting her street clothes away into her bag to notice Alex come in.

"Hey, Mer. Where'd you go after lunch yesterday? I didn't see you at all."

"I canceled my surgery. The guy had a fever, so I drew some blood and sent it to the lab. I didn't want to risk anything. I had nothing else scheduled, so I cleared it with Hunt and I went home," Meredith shrugged, not looking up from her bag.

"I've been looking for you. I need to ask you something."

"Okay, spill. You can't pull anymore grand gestures with Jo! She's like me, four or five years ago. You have to take it slow. I don't really know her, but she doesn't seem very girly. She's all dark and twisty. You know how to handle dark and twisty, considering you're friends with me," Meredith looked up from her bag and saw Alex's expression.

"I guess the question wasn't girlfriend-related," Meredith said as she plopped down on the couch. Alex followed and sat down on the couch across.

"Are you okay? Like really okay? Because the last time you acted like this, you weren't okay."

"How exactly am I acting?" Meredith asked, her anger starting to build.

"Distant."

"Distant? Really, Alex, really? I-"

"Before you can say anything incredibly stupid, yes you are acting distant. Amelia says that you barely speak to her at the house, which was very different from a few months ago. Callie, heck even Pierce, had something to say. I've noticed too, obviously. You didn't go with us to lunch yesterday, and we all know you eat like a trucker. Cristina called me the other day, worried about you because she said you acted weird while you guys were on the phone. Do you know how weird Cristina sound worried?"

"When have I acted distant before?" Meredith asked, trying to keep her anger in.

"When you were pregnant," Alex said bluntly,

Meredith let out an ugly, bitter laugh.

"Alex, how would I be pregnant? Before Derek left for DC, we could barely look at each other, much less have sex! You're an idiot."

"Yesterday, when I made the comment about you killing your children's father, you made a face before I left. The 24 hour stomach flu you had could've been morning sickness."

"I can _not _believe you!_" _Meredith shrieked, getting up to leave. She flinched. Her stomach cramped up. She gripped the edges of the couch, her knuckles turned white.

_No._

"What's wrong?" Alex went into full-out doctor mode, as he got up and went over to Meredith's side.

"I'm fine. You know I have crappy knees. One of them just went out, that's all," Meredith lied, contemplating on telling him the truth.

"You can always tell me the truth, you know."

"I am," Meredith stormed out of the room.

**One Hour and Thirty Minutes Before**

"Today, we are going to be learning about trauma and triaging protocols for when a major trauma happens," April began, holding onto her clipboard tightly. April and Owen stood in front of a large crowd of interns and residents.

"We have a bunch of patients behind you. Your goal is to keep them alive. Now turn around and face your patients," Owen ordered them.

"How can we keep them alive if they are dummies?"

"This is stupid!"

"There's no point in this!"

All of the residents and interns started protesting when they saw a bunch of dummies lined up,

"Quiet! Doctor Kepner here will hand out card, filled with patient history and symptoms. You guys have to diagnose them. You will all get one dummy. Every so often, the card will change, updating the patient's symptoms."

"Doctor Hunt and I will continue updating the cards throughout the whole simulation. To help you guys diagnose and treat the patients, we have Doctor Grey from General, Doctor Karev from Pediatrics, Doctor Avery from Plastics and ENT, Doctor Torres from Ortho, Doctor Shepherd from Neuro, and Doctor Robbins from Pediatrics and Fetal. Now if you need any specific specialty, call them over and ask them to help you through the procedure, or ask them what you think is wrong with the patient is correct."

Meredith, Alex, Jackson, Callie, Amelia, and Arizona stood behind all of the lined up dummies, waiting.

"Excuse me, Doctor Hunt. Someone's on the phone for you in the ER," a nurse called out to the doctor, and then walked back into the emergency room. Owen ran after her.

Three minutes later, Owen came back to the gathering space flustered.

"There's a major incoming trauma. Kepner, go prep the ER. Clear all of the dummies out of the way! They need to send some experienced people out into the field. Um, Grey, Karev, Avery, Torres, and Shepherd, go inside and get a bag of medical supplies and wait for the supply ambulance coming in, you're catching a ride with them. Sorry Robbins, they can only fit 5 people in the rig," Owen started ordering everyone around. April rushed into the emergency room, all of the interns and residents groaned as the picked up the dummies and put them back into the storage closet in the clinic.

"What happened?" Callie asked .

"No clue, all I know is that there are multiple traumas. They said they're seeing lots of head and burn injuries. They need all Level 1 Trauma centers open. It's huge."

Meredith, Alex, Jackson, Callie, and Amelia dashed into the supply closet of the ER and switched their lab coats for trauma jackets and grabbed medical supply bags. They were in and out in less than five minutes, just in time for the ambulance.

They silently climbed into the rig. Meredith realized that she had sat down next to Alex.

_Great. Now he will try to get me to talk, or admit to it. _Meredith thought to herself.

Surprisingly, he didn't. Although, throughout the entire ride there, he kept glancing at her out of the corner of his eye, just to make sure she's okay, but Meredith didn't notice.

No one talked the entire ride.

**Twenty Minutes After**

_The first thing Amelia did after calling Derek three times with no success was calling her mother. Her mom might know._

"_Mom?"_

"_Amelia?"_

"_Yeah, it's Amelia"_

"_It's been a while," Carolyn Shepherd smiled warmly. It had been over a year since they had talked. Amelia usually ignored her attempts to talk._

"_I know, it's been a while-"_

"_How've you been doing?" Carolyn unknowingly interrupted her daughter_

"_Mom, I'm looking for Derek. Have you seen him today, since DC is pretty close to New York? Or maybe even talked to him on the phone? I know you talk to Nancy, Kathy, and Lizzie almost every day. Have they mentioned anything about Derek?" Amelia asked, a tone of urgency in her voice._

"_What are you talking about? Derek's in Seattle. Aren't you in LA? Why are you asking?"_

"_He didn't tell you. Of course he didn't, he's been such a coward these days. So, the president offered him some fancy job in DC, and he took it. He moved there about two weeks ago. Meredith didn't want to go, so he stayed for her. He started resenting her, they got in a huge fight, which I have no idea what it was about, and he left the next day. I moved to Seattle a couple of months ago. I was visiting Derek and Meredith, and I really liked it here so I stayed. I'm living at their house. I'm asking because Meredith isn't okay. She's hurt. I don't know all of the details, but I know it's not good at all. Derek isn't picking up his damn phone for anybody."_

"_Should I fly over? For the kids and Meredith?"_

"_I don't know how good of an idea that is…"_

"_I'm flying over. My daughter-in-law is hurt. I like her, Amelia. She's great for him. I need to make sure she's okay."_

_Amelia continued making flight plans with her mother, and then hung the phone up. She decided to call all of her sisters up to make sure, but didn't tell them the exact reason for why she was calling. They didn't know anything either._

I should be in there. I should be in there, helping my family. No one else in my family can die. _That's all that was running through Amelia's head. She wasn't ready to lose another family member. Even though they weren't actually related by blood, Amelia loved Meredith more than her sisters at times._

**One Hour Before**

The ambulance started slowing down.

"We're here!" The driver shouted from the front seat. Jackson opened the back doors and they all had piled out.

"Oh my God!" Callie's hand flew to her mouth.

"Is that a …?" Amelia trailed off.

"Ferryboat that crashed? Yeah," Alex responded.

* * *

><p>Derek Shepherd was on cloud nine. He was on his way to see his wife and kids. He was going to make it right. He knew that he was going to be in trouble, considering he told Meredith that he was coming to Seattle at the end of next month, but he managed to get three days off before then, by telling the president his predicament.<p>

"Flight 613752 to SeaTac is prepared to take off. Have a nice flight, ladies and gentlemen. In Seattle, it is slightly cloudy and 63 degrees, with a 47% chance of rain. We should land at 1:27 p.m.," the flight attendant announced

Derek checked his phone, one last time. He frowned. It was only at five percent.

_Funny, I could've sworn I charged it this morning._ He thought to himself.

He shrugged it off and turned off his phone like he was supposed to.

But he never turned it back on, like he was supposed to.

**Sorry if there are any mistakes. I was supposed to post this two days ago, but half of the chapter didn't save twice (which, if you ask my friends, made me VERY angry).**

**I love all of you that are still reading this and still reviewing!**


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